Do I need to worry if I don't reach orgasm during sex?

 Should I worry if I don't orgasm during sex? In short: No. As long as sex is a consensual, pain-free, and enjoyable experience, there's no need to worry if you don't orgasm during sex.

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Your image of good sex is likely influenced by movies, pornographic films, and magazine articles with titles like “10 Tips for Having an Amazing Orgasm Every Time.” If you're older, it's probably formed from late night Cinemax movies with blue-tinted lighting, smooth jazz, and just enough nudity to make it seem real. No matter what, you might think that if you do it right, sex always ends in simultaneous orgasm.

Not in real life. In real life, sex is rarely a beautifully choreographed dance, and there's no guarantee that both partners will come, let alone at the same time. It doesn't matter.

As a sex educator, I've learned that most questions about sex stem from the same underlying concern: “Am I normal?” (And there's the closely related question, “Am I good in bed?) I realize that I don't know anything about you — not even your gender, gender, or sexual orientation — but even so, I promise that you're not alone.

In a study of more than 50,000 people, 95% of heterosexual men said they always/usually orgasm when with their partner. There are still 5% who don't do this, and the percentage is decreasing: 89% of gay men, 88% of bisexual men, 86% of lesbian women, 66% of bisexual women, and 65% of heterosexual women say they always/usually orgasm with a partner.

We can get a lot of benefits from sex even if there are no big results. Kissing, licking, and touching all feel good. Having someone run their fingers through your hair or run their fingers down your spine can give you goosebumps. Skin-to-skin contact accompanied by affectionate naked cuddling can release some of the same bonding hormones that flood our brains after orgasm. And there will be a lot of satisfaction in letting go of your partner.

So while there's no need to worry if you don't orgasm with your partner, you may want to change things up. If that's the case, it's worth exploring why you're not orgasming with your partner.

The first question I ask is do you orgasm when you are alone. If not, you may need to take some time to find out what's going on physically. Certain health conditions and medications can make orgasm difficult. If this is the case – or if there is pain during sex or masturbation – start by seeing a healthcare provider.

If you orgasm well while flying solo, I suspect there's another problem. This is also normal: 92% of women experience orgasm while masturbating, which, judging from the statistics above, is much higher than the number of women who consistently experience orgasm during sex with their partners. This could be a problem of technique (sometimes we have to coach our partners on the best way to touch us) or a problem with what you do in bed (only about 1 in 5 women experience orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex, for example) . This may also be a case of performance anxiety, especially if your partner is desperate to make you climax. The intentions are good, but the pressure can make them worse.

If you haven't talked to your partner about this, now is the time. Trust me, they noticed that you didn't finish well. (Very few people are really good at pretending.) This problem won't go away if you ignore it. In fact, many couples who struggle with orgasm end up avoiding sex together, which is something I want you to worry about.

Start by admitting what happened and telling your partner what you want. Be gentle when you talk to them - they grew up with the same pro-orgasm messages as you and probably feel really bad about it. If you don't mind having sex without orgasm, explain that to them, and let them escape the feeling of failure. Instead, if you want to work on reaching orgasm more often, let them know how they can help. Work together to try new techniques, new positions, and new sex toys to see what can blow your mind.

My best advice is to put aside any shame or FOMO and approach sex with an open mind every time. Let yourself enjoy every sensation without worrying about the end game. If you have an orgasm, great. Otherwise, take comfort in the idea that you're still having fun.

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